Saturday, November 22, 2008

Twilight Movie!

Disclaimer: Possible spoilers (not like the Twilight story is a secret) and if you totally loved this movie for it's face value, sorry to offend you, but I two newspapers, three adults, and two of my friends all said the same thing: if you're over 13-years-old, you will probably have many of the same opinion I do.

I have never seen a movie theater that packed before. The line to get tickets was ridiculous, but just the line to get in the door was...insane. There were three theaters running at the same time. It was so totally worth it, but not for the reason everybody thought.

I can say that I haven't laughed so hard during a movie since the Brady Bunch parody. And that one was actually supposed to be funny.

Twilight was so bad that it was good. Actually, it was better than good. It was the best thing ever. If it was supposed to be a parody, I would give it an A. M and I made a list of everything in this movie that made us fall out of our chairs laughing.

To start, there was no character development. Bella stayed somber, depressed, and monotone. Edward stayed somber, depressed, and monotone. They're the same people at the beginning of the movie as they are at the end, and they're characters have no dimensions. Bella hates her life and is obsessed with her vampire. Edward hates his life and loves protecting his human. That's all there is to them. There was no emotion in this movie at all.

Now, seriously, the thing on Bella's bed...I shall explain. Edward's in Bella's room and uses the "let me try something" line to kiss her. He says that, then says "don't move." He stares at her for a few seconds (apparently the director's attempt at a dramatic moment but really just looked like staring) and says "don't move" again more forcefully. A few more seconds of staring then they're making out in that whole "oh, they're gonna do it" way (annoyingly pointed, and of course they don't).

Bella's wearing underwear and a tank top. Uh obviously trying to make a point. "Oh, we need something sex-related so here ya go. If we make it really intense, maybe you won't notice the lack-of-emotion." Then Edward throws himself backwards off of her about eight feet into a wall and says something like "I have more self-restraint than I though." To which she responds, out of breath, "so do I." That whole scene was way too in-your-face and might have fit the purpose better if there was actual emotion there. Maybe. I felt bad about laughing but, what the...

Another gripe: the meadow scene. They butchered that so bad that it was hilarious. I can't even explain how messed up and funny that was. Basically, they went to the meadow because Edward says "You have to see what happens to me in the sunlight! Now!" and he pulls her up on his back and takes off. The part where he freaks out on her and starts throwing trees was fairly accurate though. They did a good job with that.

There was so much staring in this movie. So much screen time was dedicated to characters staring at each other. The acting isn't good enough for the stares to be all-telling and dramatic, so it's just funny dead space. There was this one scene where Edward drives past Billy and they stare at each other. Billy twitches.

Robert Pattinson's Edward was out-of-character. He mumbled, says like and um, and used colloquial teen phrases. Edward is supposed to be old-fashioned and articulate. His facial expressions were really weird. The first time he met Bella in Biology, he was biting his fist to show restraint, but it really just looked like he was shoving his fist up his nose.

In the ballet studio scene, which was really anticlimactic, they spent a lot of time watching Edward weigh the pros and cons of sucking the venom out of her. When he finally does, it looks like he's eating her arm like a big sandwich.

There was no emotion in this movie. If you didn't read the book, you would think that the whole relationship between Bella and Edward was just Bella's fascination with his vampire-ness. At most, it looked like shallow teen romance attraction instead of cutesy fairy tale true love that the book made it to be.

The action sequences were goofy. Edward jumps out of windows into trees, and the vampires fly like E.T. on a bicycle. The whole thing was just...surreal and reading the book is kind of a prerequisite ot the movie. If you didn't read it, you probably wouldn't understand. It's very choppy and switches from one scene to another with little transition.

Anyway, this thing is hilarious. Go see it, it's an amazing parody and maybe an effective marketing strategy. People who don't like Twilight might like to laugh at the superficiality of teen romance.

I have more to say about this, but I'm tired and this post is already long. ^^

The one who will buy this on DVD,


  1. Hear hear!!! Though you missed one point that made my roomates and I laugh hard throughout the movie. Jasper's look of 'constant pain'. I couldn't put my finger on who exactly his deer in the headlights face looked like until one of my friends pointed out that he must have watched Edward Scissorhands for inspiration! hahahahaha.

    And Billy's stink eye at Edward just made my sides hurt laughing so hard.

    Good little review, couldn't've put it better myself!

  2. Oh wow. They killed it!
    I really don't want to see it, I have my own little vision of Bella and Edward in my head and I don't want to ruin it by well, seeing THAT.

    I may watch it someday..just not now.

  3. oh I put Jasper in the next post! I know, that was brilliant! I put that in the next post. I was too tired last night to figure out how to explain it.