Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Miss Independent? Mistaken.

I hate how much I need other people. I wish I didn't need my friends to make me happy, and I wish that I wasn't so afraid of everyone else. When my friends decide to skip a pep rally, all decide to stare into their math books at lunch, or cancel plans last minute, I let it break me. In those situations, I always wish I could be cool with it, say in my head "I don't need you," and go talk to some other people like a normal person...but I can't. I make the most awkward attempts to talk and when I do forget to be afraid and act like myself, I get embarrassed. I can't come out of my shell...not because I'm protecting myself but because I feel so inferior to them that I don't think I deserve to come out.

I still feel like the freshman in a room of seniors, even when I'm the senior in a room of freshmen. I hope one day I stop being a scared little freshman and lose the shell, but that's been at the top of my wish list for a long time and I don't think it's getting much better.



  1. Everyone needs someone there for them. I always think about how much I need friends, and at first I thought it was a flaw, but I know that everyone needs to have those people. I don't usually like to be the one to break the silence because I always end up saying something stupid. You are not inferior to anyone and don't let anything make you feel like that. And since you say you have a shell you're reinforcing that you're a turtle (♥)

  2. Jessica's advice is dead on. I didn't know you felt this way. Here I was thinking you were the confident one in the group. :0
    Meanwhile, I'm always afraid that you guys will stop liking me. I have an even stronger emotional attachment to our little group because you guys are the only real group of friends I've ever had. Seriously. I love you guys with all of my heart because you are wonderful people and I am eternally grateful of the fact that you all accept me. That's why I'm extremely clingy to all of you.
    1/3 of the original group I was a part of in kindergarten split away from me and my best friend. I still talk to this person, but it will NEVER be the same. I'm really glad she has found a lot of other friends, some of whom are mutual. Why? No one (unless he or she is pure evil) deserves to be lonely.

  3. By the way, don't worry about saying anything stupid, Jessica. You are way smarter than me.

  4. Aw, bb, we all love you. The only part of you inferior to us is your level of self-worth.

    Even when you're awkward. It's part of what makes you awesome~

    We need to put you through some insane self-esteem counseling.