Thursday, December 9, 2010

When happens when your best is not good enough?

It sucks to be told you're not good enough. It sucks more to be told you're not good enough when you actually try, but it sucks the most to be told you're not good enough when you try your best to do something you actually care about. It hurts to know your best isn't good enough.

You know why I try to get good grades in school? It's not because of a stupid letter on a piece of paper, it's not because of my parents, and it's not because of college. I need those grades to feel good about myself because that's really all I have to make me feel like I'm worth something.

Not sure if people realize this because I didn't even realize until recently, but I'm competitive and I'm a sore loser. I can't be happy for someone who beats me. I know that's immature and makes me a horrible person, but there are people I need to compete with and people I need to beat. I constantly compare myself to other people. I didn't realize just how much I do it until I thought about it, but I not only can't go a day without comparing myself to other people but I can't even go an hour. It affects everything I do and I base my self-worth on how I compare to other people.

Let me say first here that I hate rubrics. They're boring, annoying, and allow people to write a horrible paper that hits the criteria of the rubric and scores perfect. I do however acknowledge the need for them because without them, how would you know what's good and what's bad? I did my oral for Theory of Knowledge today on beauty as a symbol of status in society, and even though I'm probably going to get a devastating grade despite pouring my soul into it, I think there is a lot of truth to the idea of people needing a hierarchy, whether it be based on beauty, grades, skill, etc, to give them a real-life rubric. They often complain about it and say they don't like it, but they're the ones who let it consume their thoughts and dictate their behavior. Whose fault is it?

The people I like best are the ones who don't color in the lines. I love brilliant people who can't fit a rubric, even when they try their hardest, but they always write the most interesting things you'd ever want to read. I like artists who can create something imaginative without rules. I envy them. I wish I had that ability to create something from scratch that would blow people's minds.

I can't do this. I'm not great at anything, even though I would like to be. I used to want to be a writer. No rules, no rubric, no grades. All I would have to do is write something people want to read, and I was confident that I could do that. I got realistic and realized that there are thousands of people who want to be writers and the majority can't get published or make a career out of it. What makes me think I'm special?

I'm not. No one should think they are.



  1. Everyone compares themselves with other people, it's part of our nature. We need competition and incentives to be able to do our best in the first place. And sure it hurts when your best isn't good enough, but at the same time you can take comfort that you did try your hardest. By going through failures, you learn your limitations so you know later on in life what you can and can't do.

    I think that with writing, the successful ones are the ones that aren't realistic about the possibilities because they're willing to give it a chance. And even if they know they're up against almost insurmountable odds to get published, that just makes them try harder. You never know you aren't part of the minority that gets published until you try.

    And about your last claim I disagree. People need to think they are special because if they didn't, they wouldn't try. They would take on the mentality that "well since those people couldn't do it there's no chance I can". If everyone was like that, nothing would get accomplished because everyone would just give up.

  2. I mean people shouldn't think they're born special. They should have confidence in themselves to set a goal and accomplish it and know that if they really try, they can get where they want to go. They shouldn't just assume they deserve things or they will get anything just because of who they are. Self-confidence with humility.

  3. I think I'm special. AND I WAS BORN THAT WAY.


    UR MOM.

    (I can't believe I'm trolling you like this.)

    But seriously now, rules are there to be rules. You can get a lower grade and still know that you wrote a kick-ass paper. And everyone who reads it will know it's kick-ass. Grades can mean a variety of things, but they can also mean nothing.

    I think more people should be willing to take a worse grade for the sake of writing a kick-ass paper. Because if you pour your heart and soul into that paper, it's going to mean more to you than any grade would.